temper tantrums

i am going to count to 10 and breathe before i react

i am going to say 1 nice thing to myself in the mirror

i am going to tackle 3 goals daily

i am going to establish a workout routine

i am going to make amends with enemies

i am gonna say what i mean and mean what i say

i am going to be a better mom

i am not going to judge myself

i am not going to be lazy

i am going to reconnect with socks

i am going to play music again

i am going to not gossip

i am going to meditate

these are things i know i can do.  these are things i know i HAVE to do.  i came to a really ugly reality and that was myself.  i do not like the way i am sometimes and i want to change....i do know that i have a lot of good qualities about me.  i love how open i am.  i love how understanding i am.  i love my humor.  i love my sense of rhythm.  i love my laid backness.  but i wanna be better.

i promise, my blogging won't always be about this break-up.  i'm actually getting over it....little by little.  soon you'll be hearing about something else....something new. 

word of the day!

INTEGRITY

i am practicing this one all day.  i already passed the test too.  proud of ya jenc.

other than that?  HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

i don't like it like this

Words fail me all the time
I don't even feel like talking
Still i go on and on
I'm dying here and you keep walking

Why are you asking me this?
Can't you see i'm trying?
I don't like it like this
No i think i'm dying

I can't calm down at all
Panic is what panic feels like
Can't we just stay silent?
Speaking now seems far too violent

Why are you asking me this?
Can't you see i'm trying?
I don't like it like this
No i think i'm dying

actions not words

so....break ups suck.  they suck soooo bad.  soo bad that you think "why do i even ever fall in love?"  but love is awesome.  love is amazing.  so, where's the balance in it all.

i am in the middle of one of the biggest heartaches i have ever felt.  going through every emotion in the book.  anger, depression, madness, sadness, inspiration, nostalgia, pissed, losing my mind....but i am finally starting to even out.

OF COURSE the first days after the break up i went C R A Z Y!!!!  hello bar!  hello drinks!  hello old habits!

i think....don't judge yourself....everyone grieves different.....but then a good friend meets with me....and really put it all into perspective.  (love you j)

so....today starts me day.  i am going to pick a quality/word everyday and work on that.  today starts RESPONSIBILITY

i'm going to follow through with every single thing i am responsible for.  i'm going to push myself.  i'm going to hibernate for awhile and meditate and really dive down into my soul to see what i'm really made of.  i'm going to do things that i wouldn't normally do or think scary.  i'm going to WORKOUT!  i'm going to journal personally and on here.

but guess what......?

actions not words.

aunt donna and acupuncture

god damn.  what a day.  sometimes i think....is this really happening.  you have four eyes.

so, i walk by cute brick houses and think.....OH GEE.....GREAT PLACE FOR A YO g ....a s t u d i ah man

those days are over for me.  shit.  now what.

and other times i'm like YA, I'M GONNA DO EH BEE AND CEE and get shit done.....i'm awesome.

i'm so gemini right now and i'm a capricorn.

well, there's always tomorrow.  actually....tomorrow is gonna be a great day.  fake it till you make it!  :)

sprinklers on my legs

let's talk about my bike.

i love my bike.

i love the freedom that i feel.

i love night riding down central.

it's becoming one of the only things that actually zens me out anymore (and i really need it right now)

i just love my bike.